even further behind the scenes

it's 94*F outside...muggy, humid.  and you're in the bullpen.  nature calls- now what?

The season draws near an end for the Rangers- a lot of people have been asking me questions about my plans for the offseason, or what will I be looking forward to?

So let me start with some info.  The bathrooms that bullpen pitchers have to use at 90% of the stadium are terrifying.   Sometimes you meet invertebrae friends such as "lucky" and "granny"- our two rally roaches in Baltimore last month.   Sometimes you play chicken with a cricket, as opposed to cricket with a chicken (only in the U.K. can you do that) or get your uniform caught in some cobwebs.  Kansas City has a bathroom with no lock, no lights, and just a 2 foot tall roll of TP.   Anaheim has a creepy no flush urinal.  Oakland doesn't even have one, so you have to go to the dugout.  And in Seattle your teammates barricade you in and slam fastballs (thrown baseball + metal door = explosion noise) into the door to kill your hearing.   Boston?  ha.  Toronto is actually decent, although you have to walk about 100 yds on slippery concrete to get there. 

Trust me this is going somewhere...

It's not cool.  If you put little leaguers in a major league bullpen bathroom as a test- most of them would either volunteer to never pitch again, or take up soccer.   

Meet Bill White- aka "the gringo"- he's our newest Ranger bullpen mate. And he's got a story for you...

~dissolve to the dusty plains of Midland, Texas~

earlier this season the Frisco Roughriders were playing against the Midland Rockhounds in some texas league AA baseball action.  During a game which saw a few dozen runs scored, and after having a less than stellar outing he was using the dugout "facilities".  Upon completion, he found that the door wouldn't budge.

"well that's weird.  It's okay, someone will let me out."

so he's banging on the 2 inch thick bomb shelter door.  silence.  nobody to the rescue.  half innings go by, the game ends.  still trapped inside.   players are showering...eating, getting dressed.   still trapped inside.

"Dude I'm sitting in my uniform, it's a million degrees- and I'm stuck in the bathroom.  Nothing about it was cool."

apparently the city of midland has employees that monitor the ballpark every game, that is, until the 5th inning when they leave.   So he's really hoping that someone figures out he's not on the bus.   

Eventually someone hears him, and slides a screw driver through the fan vent so he can remove the door from the inside- problem is that it weighs about 200 lbs.   hinges off eventually, but the door won't open...a teammate has to go Bruce Willis style and knock the door in with a lunging shoulder check.

After subsequently getting trapped under the flying door- he makes it out...and a few months later makes his debut at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington.  success!

so the moral of the story is- no matter how bad the bathrooms are here- almost everything is worse in the minors.  or maybe it's that you should just run back to the clubhouse, and plan your usage better.  or something completely different.